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The home inspection

July 8, 2009

Tim and I attended our very first home inspection today.  The roof needs to be repaired (we already guessed as much), the furnace will need to be replaced in a couple of years (but we can take advantage of various tax incentives–and ethical commitments to the environment, of course–to upgrade to an energy efficient heating system), and the fireplace is totally wonky and needs a chimney sweep to come and figure out why the exhaust is overheating and causing the exterior vinyl siding to warp and melt (scary, I know, but we won’t even consider using it until it is 100% clean and safe and usable.)

But the most interesting parts of the inspection came in the form of the more…”charming” aspects of the owner’s possessions.

I’ve already mentioned the shiny stripper pole in the basement.

But did I mention that it is installed right next to the area where the owner does pedicures…for dogs?

In fact, the pole (of which we will soon become owners) is flanked by the pedicure…er, pawicure…space and what Tim and I have come to call the “18-year-old’s pot smoking den.”

And did I mention that the son also has a fascination with Israeli miltarism, swords, and violent video games?  And that he has a (thank the lord) dead grenade sitting precariously on a bookshelf in his bedroom?

Tim and I have speculated that this boy’s twisted, scary interests might stem from his parents’ tumultuous marriage, which is now ending in a very messy divorce.

A very messy divorce which, I might add, has probably contributed to the voodoo doll in the mother’s room.  The voodoo doll with the pins stuck in the brain, heart, and (you guessed it) the penis.

To top it all off, there is a large sign in the kitchen that boldly proclaims, “BE NICE, OR GET THE HELL OUT!”  And underneath this subtle message is the son’s own message, scrawled in chalk: “John says put out or get out.”

It’s all just about as charming as the unidentified goo stuck to the wall outside of the upstairs bathroom.

(You may be asking why we ever found anything charming at all about this house, but if my “vision” for our new home pans out, I’ll have some amazing before and after pictures to share on here!)

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. renbeth permalink
    July 9, 2009 12:02 am

    Yes, I am looking forward to those before and after shots!

    Will they repair the roof for you?

  2. Jenny permalink
    July 9, 2009 12:38 pm

    As I was reading this I was thinking – wow what did you ever find charming about this house? Sounds kind of scary and crazy to me!! Good luck with everything!

  3. BirthingBeautifulIdeas permalink*
    July 11, 2009 7:56 pm

    We put in our request for remedies yesterday, and we’re expecting them to pay for at least part of the roof. The husband is kind of an ass, so he might fight this one. But then we’ll just look for a new house!

    And the *space* of the house is amazing. The layout is perfect for us, and once it is cleaned and painted, I’m thinking that the value will go up at least $10,000. (I’m not kidding–that’s *all* it would take for these people to get more money for their house. But we win out in the end!)

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